Monday, December 24, 2012

Dear Santa Claws: HOTpanda

Dear Santa Claws,

Hey Ho, long time no high five Santa.  I have thought long and hard about what I, a HOTpanda, wants for Christmas.  Unlike the other pandas on the plateau I care little for bamboo or kung-fu lessons.  I want lasers that I can shoot from my eyes and light my cigarettes. That's right you grumpy old man, I said I want LAZERS.  The sheer power that I would possess would allow me to cook the meat off the faces of those I choose to eat.  Chinese remedies my furry little behind.  I will show them a taste of their own medicine that they will never forget.  I will make Godzilla look like a joke.  This is of course when you bring me my shiny new laser eyeballs.  If that is not possible bah humbug to you and your tiny little elves.

For secondary items I have longing for a horse to ride.  My furry little feet are delicate like that of a ballerina. Perhaps something more sinister though, like that of Khorne Juggernaught.  Make it three as you never known when you are going to have to put one down.  You know how it with those reindeer of yours...I am sure you sent hundreds if not more to the glue factory.  Where else would you get all that glue you need to assembly your toys?  Enough about you though as this wish list is about my needs and wants not yours.  With a Juggernaught I could crush the puny little skulls of all those that dare to face me at the gaming tables.  I would be a fearsome rider of hell and behind me would be a pale horse named death.
Not your cup of tea? Well how about hooking me up with a dragon to train.  I know that in past year how to train dragon was high on the wish list so you must have one or two lying around on misfit island.  It may not be lasers or Juggernaughts for eyes but a heldrake would be the next best thing.  They would still enable me the ability to cook their faces before I ate them.  Think about how epic it would look to have a HOTpanda riding on the back of a DRAGON.  That is the kind of  thing you could paint on the side of your van or what some would say dreams are made of.
I know some of these toys are not your average run of the puppy mill kind of toy but I was a good panda this past year.  I have been feverishly working away at expanding my Renegade Space Wolves and even started a Traitor Guard army to be their bitches.  Combine that with the fact that I ate the faces off a crap ton of cheese filled gamers and I have done the world a butt load of good.  I have been a such a good boy that you should give me all three of these awesome gifts of chaos.  That's pretty much it Old Saint Nick, no socks, no bacon stripped underwear, not even a persian rug to wrap the dead hookers in.  Just lasers for eyes, three Juggernaughts and a couple of Heldrakes.  If you can meet your end of the bargain I will make sure that I don't poison the cookies and milk this year.

Yours truly HOTpanda


  1. ha ha EPIC chaos rule
    all praise the dark gods
    merry xmyth

  2. WTF?! Don't screw with Santa man - he's crazy. Also, pretty sure he's a worshiper of Khorne, what with all that red...

    merry xmas

    1. You think Santa is crazy??? I'm a emperor damned man who thinks he's a PANDA!!!

    2. That's just entertaining. Santa lives off of milk & cookies and resides in the coldest place on earth and one night a year he breaks into every house on the planet and leaves either a gift or coal depending on a weird list he has created based on his own whims. Crazy.

  3. You want entertainment throw me a bone and watch me gnaw on it.